the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You Might Also Like
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
welp
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Best spot.. 😅
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.