HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.