If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….