Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.