[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
You Might Also Like
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please