My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Camping tip: No.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.