Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Life cycle of cat
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
very niche meme I made
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide