Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
fly smarter, not harder
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.