Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”