They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
White Castle for the Win
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower