me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch