I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Canada has crack?