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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys