the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
You Might Also Like
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If only
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.