[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
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My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*