My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
You Might Also Like
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Otters drive ottermobiles.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.