I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss