[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Okay
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car