Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”