me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm