Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Stonehinge
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then