“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here