(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.