My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house