I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold