Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?