If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.