i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”