[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Meow
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Why is no one talking about this?!
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.