Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*weighs self after shaving
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.