I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
the only organized thing in my life is crime
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.