Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
😂 amazing answer
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“what’s it like having a sister?”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.