A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.