inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Who called it baking and not making love
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.