manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.