I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
You Might Also Like
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.