“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Finally a use for spoilers…
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.