Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.