[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.