all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Finally!
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.