Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
everyone has that one prude friend
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!