She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.