If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it