Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
This is what makes twitter great
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas