“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.