Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Sounds like a bargain
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.