I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Lmfaoooooo
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot