[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”