Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Well, that should do it
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
thanksgiving in nutshell
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing