It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I am all good here, 😂😉
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.